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November 16, 2004

Faith And Values

By Barnie Day

TO: Rev. Jerry Falwell

FROM: B. Day

RE: Your new scam

I've been mulling over your 'Faith and Values' idea and think it is a splendid one--especially if it helps us forget war and poverty and unemployment and lack of health insurance, and two-dollar-a-gallon gasoline, and such. It's just what the country needs: another smokescreen.

You want to register 10 million Republican voters and 'Faith and Values' is okay, but for it to take 'holt'--as we say out here in the western part of the state--you're going to need a catchier name.

Jim and Tammy had PTL (Pass The Loot) and your buddy Pat's got the '700 Club.' So we're going to have to come up with something else.

And I've been giving some thought to that. (No, don't thank me. It's what I do.) And I've got it!

'Rev-J's 105,000!'

Can you dig it? Is that hip, or what?

'Rev-J's 105,000!'

I'm telling you, bro,' this one will lay 'Moral Majority' in the shade. This one will become iconic. And it came to me in an inspiration! No foolin'!

All I did was Google the words 'indicted Republican.'

That's right. 'Indicted Republican.' Got 105,000 hits on it. The good Lord does work in mysterious ways, doesn't He?

I know you will have to have a board of directors. But you don't have to do all of this by yourself! Don't you see? I'm helping! I've been working on this part, too!

No, Jim and Tammy can't be on the board. We'll put them in charge of reservations. And maybe accounting. And no, Jimmy Swaggert's got talent that would be wasted on the board. He can run the procurement arm of the operation. And, no, not Rush Limbaugh. But he'll be perfect for the faith and values prescription drug program.

I'm thinking more of folks like Ollie North for the board. All he did was hold his hand up to God and swear a lie to Congress.

And Newt Gingrich would be a good one on any faith and values board. His extramarital involvement with that congressional aide may have cost him his Speakership, but that's the kind of faith and values leadership we want and this country needs.

Same with Republican Bob Livingston, who followed him to the Speakership--and out the same door--for nearly the same reason.

And how 'bout former Republican Congressman Bob Barr, from Georgia? Yeah, the one who went after Clinton so hard.

Let's see. What was it? I remember now. Infidelity and lying under oath about an abortion. Your buddy Larry Flynt outed him. He'd be perfect.

And how about Jack Ryan, the Illinois Republican who dropped out of the Senate race after his ex-wife made such a stink out of that sex club thing? He'd be good. He likes performing in public.

And think about Republican Senate Majority Leader Tom Delay. He might not quite measure up. He hasn't been indicted himself, but three of his tops aides were. Just recently, too.

And you might want George Ryan on. He'd poke his lip out if you didn't remember him. You remember two years ago when his Illinois campaign for governor was indicted--only the third campaign in U. S. history to face federal charges. Nixon's re-election committee (Republican) was the first. A presidential bid by Lyndon LaRouche (thinks like one) was the second.

And let's not forget the homegrown, local talent. Virginia's a regular Republican garden in that regard.

Vance Wilkins would be a lock for any 'faith and values' board. He's got time to do it, too.

And former Virginia Republican Party Chairman Gary Thompson's got some time on his hands. I'd say he'd be good. And he's got the right credentials. He's been indicted.

And I would recommend Ed Matricardi, the former executive director of the Republican Party of Virginia. Sure, he was indicted. But you're going to need somebody with his communications skills, better just let him do that. And, hey, he's a good listener, too.

Rev, I think you're on to something. Rounding up ten million folks for your faith and values outfit will take some doing, but hey! You've got your base! It's ready made! Indicted Republicans! Who could possibly know more about another 'faith and values' scam that the folks who wrote the book on it?

Posted by laura at November 16, 2004 03:45 PM

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